I’ve tried to stay positive; to use this space to examine what has happened, but never as a soapbox to vent. Well… it’s time. It’s time for me to be all snarly and non-PC and mean-spirited; time to reach out to my inner Grinch and just rant for a bit about the things that have really bothered me over the last few months. To show that I’m not a negative person, instead of a top 10 list, it’s only 9 items.
- All of Rick’s so-called friends who never bothered to acknowledge his death. I realized that not everyone could attend the memorial; in fact, I was blown away by how many people did. No, this rant is directed at the all the people who just ignored the fact that he died. A few people really stand out on this list. One is a long-time friend of Ricks, a person with whom he spent a great deal of time through the years. Person number 2 is a former close friend who had a falling out with Rick a few years ago. Prior to that, they had been close professionally and personally for over 40 years. I thought that the many years of friendship would have trumped the few years of fighting; again, I was wrong. The final person on this list is the one that hurts the most. This person was a friend of mine before I met Rick, then a friend of us both, so his lack of acknowledgement is a rejection of me as much as Rick.
- Starting at his memorial, I was being pushed by people who wanted his items. Let me repeat that – AT HIS FREAKING MEMORIAL SERVICE I had people approaching me who wanted some of his professional items. This is beyond tasteless. The onslaught continued for several weeks, with phone calls that started with “I’m so sorry” and then proceeded to “have you thought about what you’re going to do with…”. As Tiny Tim would have said, “Fuck them all, every one”.
- People on his side of the family who have done only the most cursory, formally polite job of keeping touch, not once asking a simple “how are you” to me.
- Any and everyone who has compared what I’m going through with getting a divorce. I’ve been divorced, and trust me; this is not the same thing. I’m okay with someone telling me that they have no idea what this is like, and saying that their closest reference point is a divorce; but don’t tell me that you know what this is like because you don’t know.
- The person at work who asks me how I’m doing and then always has an anecdote about someone else to top whatever I’ve said, or to subtly show where I’m wrong. We used to be close work friends; I avoid her now.
- People who seem surprised that I’m still affected by the death of my husband now that four whole months have gone by since his death (insert sarcasm emoticon here).
- Rick. Yes, that’s right, the very person who died. He willfully ignored his ongoing health issues and never followed through on tests his doctor ordered. He told me once that he hated going to the doctor because he didn’t want bad news; that delightful bit of illogic hastened his death.
- Me. I’m so filled with regrets for every harsh word or bad thought I had during our marriage, and guilt for all I didn’t do that I should have. I’d give anything for a do-over.
- The searing UNFAIRNESS of what’s happened. I realize that sounds like a little snot-nosed kid, but dammit that’s how I feel. It’s not fair. We didn’t even have 10 years.