Top 10 Things I’ve learned in my First Month as a Widow – 9/26/12

  1. Some people you thought were friends aren’t.

My husband wasn’t 2 weeks gone before I saw Facebook posts from supposed friends dissing him. His ex-wife started it (no surprise there) but  the participation of people who had been long-time friends of his, and who had shown up at his memorial to tell me how sorry they were, was.

  1. Contacting people after a death really does matter.

I’m keeping every sympathy card received, and am aware of who hasn’t sent a card or called or even emailed.

  1. The simplest, most routine things are the hardest.

Waking up alone; going grocery shopping; coming home from work.  It’s the small, everyday things that really bring home the fact he’s gone.

  1. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” is true.

I wish now I hadn’t let myself get so upset over small things.  I’d give anything to find leftovers on plates sitting in the fridge, or a toilet seat left up.   I cringe when I hear people complaining about their spouses.

  1. The simple grace and kindness that so many people possess.

I’ve been touched by the small but meaningful gestures so many people have made.   A neighbor left a bag of snack foods with a note saying she knew I wouldn’t want to eat, and maybe these would be tempting.  A friend who has taken to calling and asking me out for lunch on a weekend day.  The work buddy who’s always ready to get coffee when I am.

  1. Clean out clutter now – before it’s too late.

I’m faced with a tremendous mess to clean up from my “not quite a hoarder but you can see it from here” husband.  I know he didn’t want to do this to me, but he did and it’s not right.

  1. Emotional pain is physical.

I ache all over and some mornings when I wake up it’s just hard to get out of bed.

  1. It’s possible to live on nothing but coffee and pizza – but I don’t recommend it.

Cooking was a big part of our lives together.  I just can’t do it now.  He didn’t eat cheese, so pizza is one of the few things that doesn’t remind me of him.  It’s all I can eat at home.

9.  You can cry and drive at the same time.

Really big sunglasses help.

  1. Grief makes you stupid.

I’m confused all the time.  I keep forgetting things, and my ability to manage multiple assignments at work is suffering.  I zone out during meeting and don’t have a clue what’s being discussed.  I’m hoping no one figures out that I’m just faking it at work, completely unaware and uninterested in what’s going on.

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11 thoughts on “Top 10 Things I’ve learned in my First Month as a Widow – 9/26/12

  1. Finding your blog has been a golden nugget for me. Golden nuggets are what I name things in my life (advice, writings, books, blogs) that help me become a better person. I lost my sister in 2012. I am always trying to think of new ways to show my brother in law I am thinking of him. This post really helped me remember how important that is. Thanks for being so real and putting yourself out there for us.

  2. I feel so very sorry for your loss. I am not a widow but I am married, and reading your post, made me appreciate what I do have, cherish every moment and not taking it for granted. Thank you for being brave and helping so many people along the way.

  3. I’m so very sorry for your loss. My high school sweetheart and husband of 16 years divorced three years ago. Going through the divorce I believe is the closest thing to grieving the death of a spouse for me…after the passing of two years and many, many prayers being said, we have found our way back to one another and have been remarried 1 year this New Year’s Eve. In this post, all that you said, were things that I missed and thought about the two years we were divorced. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, but I’m so happy for you that you were in such a loving relationship. I hope all of the wonderful memories help you through this difficult time. Even though we do not know one another, I’m sending prayers your way!

  4. Number 9 made me smile. It reminded me of all the times I did just that. Including crying in places where tons of people saw me but I didn’t care. Number 7 resonated. Loss is physical pain that there are times I’d curl into a ball and never want to leave my bed. It’s during this trying time that I learned who my friends were, they were. I have known the kindness of strangers and it still warms my heart. Warm hugs to you from across the world. I can’t keep a dry eye reading your posts..words are not enough.

    1. Glad they made you smile as well as tear up – that’s kind of how I feel, a lot. I’m finding more and more of us in this special club that no one wants to join.

  5. I just found this site… followed the link from your DS.org profile. Your story is mine. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently. I read a few lines, and I think out loud, “I know! That’s so true!” I hate that you know how I feel. I hate that anyone does. My prayer tonight will be for strength, comfort and courage for all of us in this sorry club.

  6. This sounds so much like me when I first lost my Robert. When I went back to work after 4 weeks, I couldn’t wait to get in my car so I could cry and be sad by myself. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

  7. thank you for the words. my wife died in my arms 4 weeks ago tomorrow and i am struggling with the stillness of our home. i still haven’t gone back to work but will need to soon if nothing just to have some shape to my days. keep writing.

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