2 month anniversary; top 10 ways my life has changed

  1. I’ve become a much more patient and kinder person

I now get how every single, simple gesture of kindness is so very important, and make sure that I try and treat people well.  I’m softer and more supportive, realizing that I’m not the only one who needs a little understanding.

  1. I’ve become a much less patient and meaner person

When a colleague at work asks what my vacation plans for next year are, I want to throttle her for not getting that I don’t have plans now, because the person I was going to travel with  has died and WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS.

  1. I’m going through what feels like a 2nd adolescence

My emotions are completely unpredictable and wildly erratic.  I wake up feeling good and positive and strong, but I’m crying in the bathroom at work 2 hours later.  I’m overly sensitive and half the songs I hear make me cry.

  1. There’s no future in sight

Rick and I had lots of plans for the future, ranging from fall getaway weekends to retirement thoughts.  Those plans are all gone, now.  I can’t yet envision a future; I’m too consumed getting through the immediate things that have to be done.

  1. Home is no longer a refuge

I used to look forward to coming home after work.  We’d figure out dinner together, maybe watch TV, talk about the day.  It was pleasant and comforting. Now it’s just cold, quiet, still.  It’s funny, because I was single when I first moved here and was perfectly content; but now it feels wrong

  1. My attitude toward cemeteries

I never liked cemeteries; now I find it comforting to go and visit.  In the beginning, going there helped me to believe – to really, truly face – that he was dead.  I’d stare at the fresh sod and realize that underneath that was my husband, the man I’d made love with and who kept me warm on winter nights and with whom my life was tied up.  Seeing that physical grave was like a hammer pounding in the fact that he was never, ever again going to be a physical presence in my life.  At 2 months, there’s still some of that cold water in the face when I visit.  But there’s also a sense of peace.

  1. Friends and family

I’ve been surprised by some of his and my good friends who have been absent since the memorial service.  Balancing that are the people who have been wonderful about calling and keeping in touch.  It’s not that I’m keeping score, but my feelings toward people are changing based on how they are treating me.

  1. Weekends

Our weekends usually started in classic Wisconsin style by going out for a fish fry.  Regardless of what we’d do, it was always comfortable to know we’d be able to spend time together without work.  We might decide to take a drive somewhere, or see a band one night, but there was that “we” factor.

Now weekends are just long periods of quiet and marking time.

  1. Cooking

I am (was?) a really good cook.  More to the point, cooking and baking was one of the greatest pleasures I had.  Talking about what we were going to do for dinner, and who would do the cooking, was so much fun.  We had a tradition of making fancy meals for Saturday night, basically eating out but staying home.  It was one of the best parts of our relationship, and dated way back to when we first met on an online web site and both talked about our love of good food.

Now I eat nothing at home but frozen or take out food.  Most meals are eaten right from the container.  I’ve run the dishwasher twice in the last 8 weeks, and then only to make sure it still works.

  1. My life

Everything is different.  Nothing is the same.


8 thoughts on “2 month anniversary; top 10 ways my life has changed

  1. Wow, just come across this and how fantastic!! I lost my husband of 20 years 8 weeks ago and all you’re saying is exactly how I feel. It is so good to know that I’m really not alone in my loneliness and pain. Grief is so much like a whirlpool of different emotions and what you’ve gone through sounds the same for me. Thank you for making me feel normal.

    1. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s been a 1.5 years for me. I hope if you read more of the “Widow World” area you’ll see that it does, eventually, get better. I like your idea of the whirlpool – that’s a very apt description of what it feels like. My best to you on this journey. And, you are normal; whatever reactions you’re having, whatever ups and downs you’re going through.

  2. Everything is different, nothing is the same – exactly how I feel, I could have written every word of your list. My loss is different, but the grief no less real, and the process the same. Every time I think it’s getting better, I realize I’ve drifted off into denial land and then I have to be sad all over again when reality smacks me in the face. What am I doing this weekend? Surviving till Monday. What are my plans for “the holidays” – I might punch the next person that asks me that. The only thing I can figure out to do is give myself permission to grieve, not feel that I have to “get on with my life” until I am ready and have faith that one day I will actually feel genuinely happy again, not the fake “happy” you put on because it’s expected, but when the sadness is gone or at least buried far enough away that there is space once again for joy. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    1. Oh Hazel, I do feel your pain. I’m doing everything different this year – Tday with friends, not family and a vacation over Xmas. Take your time, that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s hard, isn’t it. My best to you.

  3. Thank you for sharing your life with us out here in the blog world. As your posts are therapy to you they are also helping me so thank you.

    Your life never stops changing. You never stop changing either, never stop growing. If you make a list like this every two months you will see how much things change. It’s hard to like the future as much as we liked the past, but it’s there. Even if you can’t see it. I don’t think we ever can. Always remember that you already have today. Sometimes that’s easy to forget.

    Keep writing 🙂

  4. I’m very sorry for your loss. It was 2 months for me yesterday. I could have written some of your post myself. I also hate weeknds. They seem never ending.

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