Daily Prompt: Blogging forward 1 day and perspective at a time

Dear Rick,

I started this blog as a way to talk with you.  We always communicated best via the written word, going back to our initial meeting through an online web site.  I still remember the wonderful emails you sent me when we were dating, the best of which you helpfully labeled “Don’t open at work” to avoid embarrassment.  We mostly stopped emailing after we moved in together, but still used it on those occasions when there were issues too difficult to speak out loud.

A lot of the posts I’ve written have been addressed to you, in epistolary format,  as though we were having a conversation.  I doubt that you have read these, but it makes me feel better.  There was so much we never had a chance to finish, or even to start.  I’ve tried talking to you when I visit your grave, but writing you a letter seems more natural.  It makes me feel close to you, as thought you’re still here.  I wish you were.

Love,

Me

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The last few months have been the hardest of my life.  There are no real “up” periods, only days that have been bearable and where, maybe, I can envision a future. That’s as good as it gets, right now.  On the bad days, I’m stuck in negative feelings; anger, despair sadness, guilt.   Often I feel cheated; why did this have to happen to me?  Will I even find that happily ever after?

This blog has been very helpful.  It lets me work through the maelstrom in my head.   I can grab a hold of an idea or thought and work it through from start to finish.  I started this on a whim, thinking I’d write 2 or 3 entries and then be done.  Instead, writing these posts has become one of the only things I look forward to doing at home.   I’ve found it helpful and healing.

******************

And, so, she kept writing.  There were days when she sat at her desk at work unable to concentrate, feeling so low that the only options were to open the word processor and start writing, or to go sit in the bathroom and cry.   She much preferred the former.   Evenings at home were so quiet and lonely she couldn’t stand it.  Writing a blog post, speaking it out loud, made her feel less alone.   She noticed that the posts written at home tended to be the letters written directly to her deceased husband or 2nd person entries, whereas the entries written during her lunch break at work were mostly first person.

As the weeks went by and the hurt became less raw, her writing changed.  It became more introspective, more concerned with trying to tease out meaning from what had happened and less with documenting the events.   These later blog entries were more difficult to write, unlike the earlier entries that burst out quickly, almost writing themselves.

In time her point of view changed.  It became possible to stand apart from herself and to view the events of her life in perspective, as though from a distance.  These thoughts were best expressed using third person narrative as it provided a less emotional and calmer tone.

******************

You have a role in this, too, everyone of you who reads this post.   That’s what makes a blog different from a book.  You’re not just a passive reader, but an active participant by dint of comments, likes, and deciding to follow a blog.  Maybe you saw a post title and thought it looked interesting, or maybe the blog’s name was one you could relate to; regardless, your input is why this blog continues.

******************

Dear Rick,

I’m ending this post the way I started, in the epistolary format.  It’s been just about 100 days since I said goodbye to you.  I don’t cry that much anymore, but I don’t feel any joy.  My life has dulled around the edges.  I think I’m healing, I’m pretty sure I’m doing Okay and will make it through, but right now it’s still hard.

You’d be happy to know I’m doing a lot of writing. You always encouraged me to write more, and wanted us to collaborate on something.  Maybe this is our collaboration.  It’s as much yours as mine; without your inspiration I wouldn’t be writing it.
I miss you babe; a lot.  Wish you were here with me.

Love,

Me

******************

She read over what she’d written and wiped away a few tears.  It would do.  Now she’d wait and see; how many views, how many likes, how many comments.

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15 thoughts on “Daily Prompt: Blogging forward 1 day and perspective at a time

  1. I did that too. I wrote letters to heaven. http://letterstoheaven.wordpress.com/ It really does help doesn’t it? People grieve and heal in different ways. My sister wanted everyone in the family to write messages on red balloons (her favorite color) and to release them all at the same time. I thought this was silly and refused to do it. I couldn’t actually tell her that though so I told her the other truth. Balloons don’t go up when it is winter in Alaska. It is too cold. What I didn’t expect though was that my oldest brother would find the blog of letters to my mom and read through it often. That was his way of healing. Writing is a great way to deal with emotions but putting it where other’s can see it helps other’s as well.

  2. I wrote in a journal during the entire time my wife was in the hospital. When I returned home-alone- it kept me company for months. I would write to her as if she was still alive, re-read and write again. The dullness you will get used too. Things will change, for the funny thing about life is, the sun will rise tomorrow, another day will pass and the sun will set. What you do in between is purely up to you. I have posted to your blog previously, but it was 12 years ago and even though her memory is as fresh as yesterday, every year on the day she died, I pull out my journal, flip the pages back and forth, randomly picking one. I sit and read it, sometimes I cry, other times I laugh, but mostly I pick at the scab covering the wound of someone lost. I do it out of respect for her, the relationship we had and our friendship most of all for as time goes by and my memories become pale it is a godsend that during that very moment of inner turmoil a journal appeared to be a good idea. My writings, recollections and reflections on life, love and the world entombing me at the time have helped me heal. Keep writing. Write often, write what ever comes to mind, they are your thoughts and once gone they sometimes cannot be retrieved, but in written form they can always be revisited..
    As before I wish you well, heal at your own speed, but heal you will, I promise..
    Betty…

  3. Thank you for spreading your love and courage through your blog. This is a beautiful piece with meaningful changes in perspective. This is not just a collaboration with your husband, but with all your readers as well.

  4. Beautiful post. I love the idea that this is your collaboration, the contributions people make in our lives last forever even if the people are tragically taken away from us.

  5. Yes, life does get a little dull around the edges and what they say ‘time is a great healer’, is just nonsense. Keep writing, its cathartic and makes you feel connected. Best wishes.

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