Stupid answers to snappy interview questions

It’s easy to find information on what to do when applying for jobs and how to shine during interviews.  What about the job you apply for but really don’t want?   How can you be sure to come across poorly, but in a way that isn’t obvious?  Maybe your folks are paying the rent and you really don’t want that to stop, or perhaps you’re holding out for that dream job but need to look busy in the meantime. 

I’m here to help, based on my on-the-job experience in reviewing applications and participating in interviews.  Where I work we add a kind of essay requirement to the higher level job listings.  Nothing too hard, just 2 or 3 questions that give the applicants a chance to address direct expectations of the job.  People who do well at the first interview are asked back for a less formal peer interview.

I need to mention that these hints apply only to high-level positions with expectations of strong skills in written and verbal communication and the ability to do well leading groups of people.

  1. Blow off the essay by answering “check resume” for each question.  If your potential new employer wants to know anything more they can ask you.  Besides, writing is hard work.
  2. Answer the questions but submit a very poorly written essay.  Look, just because you’re applying for a job where writing skills are expected is no reason to proof read what you submit.  Include spelling and syntax errors, ignore basic grammar, and  make sure that apart from stylistic concerns what you write doesn’t make sense.  Bonus points for having similar errors in your resume.
  3. Ignore the questions in the essay.  Write what you’d like to say and just forget about what was being requested.   The more bizarre the better.
  4. Come across like an arrogant jerk.  I can’t emphasize enough what a great strategy this is, and it works equally well in written materials and interviews.  Be sure and tell everyone how you can’t wait to show them better ways of doing everything they are currently doing.
  5. At the end of the first interview ask what the salary will be, and be sure and mention that you would expect to be on the high end of the pay range for the position.
  6. Act surprised that an interview is going on.  As each question is asked, appear puzzled and somewhat offput that you were questioned.  Mumble answers while looking down.
  7. During the peer interview, talk down to the people who just might be your co-workers.  Make sure they get how superior you are to any of them.
  8. Trash talk your current employer, past employers, the company where you’re interviewing, and pretty much everyone and everything.  Putting other people down always reflects well on the person doing the insulting.
  9. During interviews pay no attention to what the interviewers are asking; ignore requests for specific information and just talk about whatever you feel like.
  10. When given a chance to ask questions of the people doing the same job you might be hired for, ask questions about everything but the actual job.  Ask if there’s a softball team, or where people go after work, or how easy it is to leave early.
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