Daily Prompt: Mid-year state of my year: All things considered…

I’m a participant in a long-term study on sleep habits being run by the University of Wisconsin.  Every March for the past 20 years I’ve received a large questionnaire focusing on my current state of mind and emotional stability along with a 7-day sleep journal.  This year my answers to the survey questions landed me in the “run, do not walk, to see a counselor” category.

All things considered, I think I’m doing alright.

My husband died last year, at the end of August.  A year earlier, in January 2012, I started the year planning  vacations and engaged in my normal day to day life.  I had some concerns over his health, but never thought it was anything serious.  In mid-July, he was diagnosed with an illness; by the end of August, he was dead.

2013 kicked off as the start of my 5th month of being a widow.  My grief was a raw and open wound.  I was reeling from the event, still trying to understand what had happened.   By January of 2013, I had made it through my birthday, Thanksgiving, the December holidays, and New Years Eve as a widow.  I was becoming more used to the emptiness of the house, the deep silence that greeted me every morning when I awoke alone.

Winter continued, and I was depressed,  just trudging through each day.  Slowly, the days lengthened and I started feeling a little better.  I watched spring come, and realized that I was now starting my third season as a widow.  Rick’s birthday came, the first where he didn’t get a year older.  The headstone was installed on his grave.

This year is now more than half over, and I’m facing the final month of my first year of being a widow, and the final “firsts”: a wedding anniversary that will occur 6 days before the first anniversary of his death.

What’s my “state of the year”?  Taking into account what a horrible year it’s been, I think it’s Okay.  I’m starting to look forward more than back. I’m starting to have thoughts about what to do next.  There are still bad days when I rage against what happened, and despair over what will be, but those bad days happen less.  Just like Mary Tyler Moore, I’m gonna make it after all.  I think there will be a time, not this year, but sometime, when I can be whole and healthy again.

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