Congratulation, Ms. Widow; you’ve made it through the first year and then some! In the 19th century, this would be the big moment to switch from heavy, concealing black dresses to heavy, concealing navy blue dresses. Of course, if it were the 19th century and you were me, you’d be stuck somewhere in Czarist Russia worrying about Cossacks coming to rape and pillage your schtetl, and choosing the right clothes would be the last thing on your mind. However, I digress. It’s been over a year, and time for the widow’s guide to provide that gentle push to the next stage of your life.
It’s now time to drop that grieving attitude and march smartly into YOUR NEW LIFE. Perhaps you are unsure what to do next, or how to act. Never fear, I, your guide to all things widow, am here to help. While you’ve spent the past year grieving, I’ve been busy researching the vast multitude of culturally acceptable archetypes for widows.
After exhaustive research I’ve determined there are very few categories : Sexy, Not-sexy, and Stuck. However, don’t despair! Whichever archetype you select, it’s still up to you to personalize it and make it your own. Just like those paint sample cards, you can create a whole world of different shades of the same color. I’ll review the 3 archetypes and even provide a few subtypes for each.
Choosing a sexy widow persona means you will still be wearing black, but in a whole new way.
The sexy widow has been a staple of male imaginations for ages. She’s part of the time-honored misogynistic myth that women fall into three roles: mother, virgin, or whore. The genesis of this role is that once married and introduced to the arts of love by a manly man, some women become so unhinged when their man goes away they still have to have that manly love.
No, not that kind – this kind!
Closely related to the Sexy Widow, the Black Widow is her darker, more dangerous sister. The Black Widow feeds off men and then destroys them, much as her arachnid namesake does.
If you want to be a sexy widow, the most important thing is your age. Don’t even consider this archetype if you are over 50 years of age. Do not indulge in ice cream and pizza for months on end, as the sexy widow needs to conform to standard ideas of female beauty.
Perhaps becoming a Sexy Widow seems to difficult, or perhaps you have interests in things that don’t involve fulfilling standard stereotypes about women. If that is the case, you might be interested in the next archetype…
Not-sexy is mandatory for anyone over the age of 60. Of course, this only applies to women; as we all know, the attractiveness of men over 60 is calculable by the equation of income times power, minus age divided by 2. As a simple check of any media outlet will prove, the outlook for women is considerably grimmer. Hugh Hefner, who looks more and more like a horror film extra, is married to a 20-something woman; but a woman dating a man 5 years younger is considered a “cougar”.
If you decide to go the not-sexy route, Grandma or Dowager are both good role models.
Adopting the grandma persona frees you from ever having to think about weight. Think Mrs. Claus, but in in more comfortable clothing. Grandma-widows get to wear fleece every day, and dressing up means choosing the outfit with a row of small ducks across the front. Your focus will be on family, and you’ll devote the rest of your life to doting on them.
Your life will be filled with such exciting hobbies as baking cookies and re-posting treacly bits of homespun wisdom and cat videos on Facebook.
For those without grandkids, a “favorite Aunt” version can be used with relatives and neighbors.
Similar to grandma but with sharper edges, the matron becomes the guardian of all that is correct and proper. Matrons share a lack of any romantic life with Grandmas, but their clothes are less comfortable, which may be why they tend to be cranky. Perhaps the strongest aspect of the Matron role is a general dissatisfaction with anything that occurred since becoming a widow.
Still shopping for an acceptable archetype? There is only one left, and that is…
The Stuck Widow
She is the saddest of all. The stuck widow never progresses. She remains forever anchored to the past, unwilling or unable to resume a normal life. Being stuck starts off as the easiest widow persona to adopt. The gist of it is to never, ever change. Keep everything in your life exactly the way it was. Make sure you keep doing the same things over and over again, so the impact of having lost your spouse never goes away. Focus only on the negative, never on the positive.
Though not technically a widow, Miss Haversham is a great role model for this archetype.
So, there you have the results of my research. As mentioned, there aren’t a lot of good role models out there. Personally, I hope to create a new archetype: The Wise Widow. I want to be someone conversant with the dark side, but who chooses not to live there. A fully functioning human being capable of being sexy and nurturing, good or bad. I want the freedom to be any or all of these archetypes but not to be bound by any one of them. Mostly, I hope to create my own path forward, not adopt one created by someone else. And I hope you select the same.