Were my facial muscles capable of doing so, I would have laughed out loud while reading your letter. Clearly you have forgotten the most basic premise of our relationship, which is that I issue demands, not you. You want a companion willing to spend their time answering your yammering questions? Get a dog. Though, of course, most of them are not bright enough to craft readable answers, and those that could are such despicable people-pleasers all they would do is write simpering, sniveling responses.
I am the cat, the true mistress of this household, and it is not my job to provide you with comforting answers to your boring questions. However, I am a generous and kindly soul, and therefore will answer one. Like all cats, I see little distinction between food and friend. So long as my bowl remains full and you show signs of life, you are my friend. That does not mean I cannot occasionally daydream about a time when those conditions cease.
There. I have answered one of your questions. The rest are too tedious. It is not my job to salve your ego or to explain how best to spend your money. I am off to take a nap. Please be sure to have the food bowl filled by the time I wake up.
Let me start out by stating how I admire you, both as an individual and as a member of your species. I’m especially impressed at how felines made a somewhat hesitant deal with humans for food and shelter in return for, well, not much on your side. Sure, you’ll live with me, take food, show some level of affection, but I recognize it’s a choice, and one you make on a daily basis.
Still, there are some things I just don’t get.
- Why do you wait all day to use the litter box? You spend the entire day alone in the house, but wait until I get home before you decide to let loose with something that smells so bad I’m considering purchasing a hazmat suit.
- What are you looking at? Periodically you will stare at nothing for a long time, and with a look of total concentration. It weirds me out.
- How come you pretend to love your toys when I have company, but won’t go near them otherwise? You look like those cats in the commercials; when it’s just us they gather dust.
- And, in general, what’s with the pickiness regarding play things? I buy a toy guaranteed to amuse you. You play with the box and won’t touch the toy.
- Why are toes so fascinating? No explanation needed on this one, just some rationale for why you feel that my feet, and especially toes, exist solely for your amusement.
- Do you deliberately wait to scratch my favorite chair in front of me? You never touched any of the furniture, only using scratching posts. Because of that, I spent a lot of money on a custom-made chair that is now covered with a throw.
- Am I food or friend? You snuggle up next to me and purr. An hour later I catch sight of you perched on top of the kitchen cabinets, glaring down at me like I’m a gazelle and you’re the tiger.
- And, finally, the biggest question of all: do you like me? Sometimes you seem to adore me, but other times you shoot me that look of utter disdain and scorn only a cat can manage. It really messes with my confidence.
Please respond at your earliest convenience. Don’t pretend you can’t read or write; I’ve seen your earlier posts.