It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I feel words starting to bubble up, but haven’t wanted to act on letting them go.
Late last summer something started to shift inside me. I stopped grieving. I still missed Rick, but it was no longer in the forefront of my consciousness. I was here, now, in July of 2015 and starting to wake up and feel good. It had been a long journey, but I was at the end of it and ready for what comes next.
And then… I heard from my brother. What was thought to be arthritis, then nerve damage, turned out to be cancer: metastasized, stage 4, terminal. That news came on the 3rd anniversary of the day on which Rick went into the hospital. I spent what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary with him and my sister in law for what I knew would be my final visit. He died in late December. He and Rick were close; one of my favorite pictures is the two of them leaning towards each other and both making the same silly face. When Rick died, my brother wrote a heart-felt eulogy; I’ve now returned the favor by writing one for him.
The moving forward I experienced in July disappeared. Emotionally, I went back to where I had been 3 years earlier, almost overwhelmed with sadness and feeling cut off from life. There wasn’t anything to write last fall that I hadn’t already written 2 or 3 years ago.
By now, I should have it figured out, but I’m still floundering. I should be at the next stage of my life, whether that means moving on to a new relationship or being happy and content on my own. I’m neither. I thought I’d grown into a wise woman capable of doing anything. Instead, I’m spending my evenings watching binge-watching old TV shows. I wait for the next bad news.
I’ve sat on this post for a few days. Waiting for the coda that shows my realization this is just one spot in a long journey, or the epiphany that turns this very personal revelation into something with universal meaning. Neither has come to me. I think, for now, I’m just feeling low. I’m still stuck working a job I no longer like. It’s winter, and the sky is dark when I leave in the morning and when I come home at night. There will be more sun in my life, both literally and figuratively, but right now is the darkest time of year.