I am a reasonable cat, but lately I have been feeling frustrated. She is a horrible person, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know that in my previous postings I seemed optimistic and even happy, but that was just a front. My life is bleak. She is awful. Since I can no longer determine any pattern to her comings and goings, I am going to start right in describing the terrible things she is doing to me. Please, save this. It may be needed as evidence.
Let me start off with the worst. She has put me on a diet. My food allowance was never overly generous, but in the last month she has seriously cut back. I am a cat, a member of the Felis genus, and by nature a carnivore and fierce hunter. A great human would provide me with live prey for food. A good human would make sure I had bowls full of freshly butchered meat. My human feeds me kibbles that taste like dry, meat-flavored pebbles. Not only is my food substandard, but now it is meted out in overly small amounts.
I am willing to admit that I have put on a bit of weight, but so has she and that is what makes me so angry. We could have gone on the diet together. Instead, she stands in the kitchen having a late-night snack while my food bowl remains empty. I glare at her fiercely but it has no effect. Her willingness to withhold food from me while stuffing herself is despicable, but not the only example of her complete lack of decency.
She has no sense of humor, none what so ever. Mine is delightfully sly. For just one example, a few years ago she purchased a rather expensive upholstered chair. Since the day that chair was set down, I have gone out of my way to claw and scratch it whenever she is around. It drives her nuts! There is nothing funnier than watching her race towards me when I start in on the chair. I can run it around or under it and she cannot catch me. She has purchased any number of products that are supposed to make me stop scratching that chair, and of course none of them worked. If she had even the slightest appreciation of a good joke she would applaud my efforts. I will not stop until she either gets the joke or that chair is in tatters. Either way, I win.
Some time ago I wrote about the game we played called “Hallway Escape”, and how much I enjoyed it. There is another game we occasionally play in which I chase a most exquisitely fascinating red light that moves up and down walls and through every room in the house. That light compels me as no other thing can. Just when I think I have caught it, the light dances up a wall or zips past me. It vanishes without a trace, and then suddenly reappears. I love that light.
Well, my horrible human found a way to combine my two favorite activities into a single disappointing and infuriating game I am calling “Wretched human”. It starts when she is clearly about to leave. I’ll run up, excitedly thinking we are going to play Hallway Escape, and hide near the door. Just as though we were going to play that fun game, she will find me and toss me away, and I sneak back. We do that a few times and then the red light appears! It flickers and dances near my paw and while I try to ignore it, I start reaching and lunging for it. The light races off into another room, and I jump away and run after it. Next thing I know, the light is off, the door has opened and shut, and I am alone in the house. Tricked, shamed, angry. With nothing to do but write this plea to all of you out there. Please, help me. She is cruel and terrible. Wait a minute; I hear a key unlocking the door. Sorry, but I must start clawing the chair so that is the first thing she sees when coming home. Goodbye for now, I remain as always, Strider the Cat.