I’m older now, no longer an adolescent, and I’ve been pondering the strange relationship between cats and the humans with whom we deign to live. At one time I believed all the terrible and stupid things my human did were specific to her, and I did my best to document her atrocities. However, after spending a lot of time doing research, I now realize that as terrible as she is, my human is no more nor less so than any of them. The entire species is deficient in intelligence, and especially so when dealing with cats. I have proof that all humans are inane.
First is that humans are constantly complaining cats are aloof, when nothing could be further from the truth. It’s just we need to be in charge of determining appropriate times for interactions. For example, this morning I was in a delightfully kittenish mood and wanted nothing better than to play with my human. She had recently awoken and was busily paying attention to the bitter smelling swill with which she starts her day. Well, I had a better idea. I jumped up on her computer keyboard and did a saucy strut across it; she tossed me off. We did this a few times, but I wanted more. I hopped up onto a shelf and pushed every item to the floor. I did this slowly, one item at a time, to give her a chance to recognize the game and join in. She chose not to.
Then, later in the afternoon, she had the audacity to invite a dog into my house. A dog! The outrageousness of this act still has me miffed. She actually expected me to welcome the loathsome creature. Instead, I puffed up to twice my size and did my best low-throated yowl. The pup was appropriately cowed, no doubt realizing he was in the presence of a superior (i.e., feline) being. My human did not recognize her error; instead of insisting the pup leave, she guided me to another room where I sat alone and angry.
Second is that we are accused of being picky eaters. What irony! My human, who carefully selects locally grown foods and spends hours perusing cook books for new recipes, wants me to be content eating the same dry kibbles from a bowl each and every day. As a “treat”, every few days I get the scantest serving of some foul-smelling canned meat scraps . Picky? I’m just hoping for the same diversity and quality as her diet.
Sadly, I have come to realize that all humans are as woefully deficient in these, and other areas, as is mine. In short, my human, as incompetent and annoying as she may be, is simply a normal example of her inferior species. I no longer hope these missives will bring me release to a better home; I know now that she is no worse than other humans and may even be better than some. Oh, the irony of our small size and lack of opposable thumbs!